Why your local Starbucks is no Cheers bar.
By The Editors

The difference between Starbucks and your local Cheers bar? At Starbucks, the only reason they know your name is because they can't process your order unless they type your name in first.

First of all, let’s get this out of the way:

Edward is a dick.

And now let’s move on to the important stuff here:

The only reason they know your name at your local Starbucks, Edward, is because there’s a required field on the screen they have to fill out before they can move on to taking $15 from you for this ridiculous drink and then pass your order on to the poor sucker who has to make it.

At your local Cheers bar, they know your name because you’re a member of the family. And you’re a member of the family because you hit up a bunch of local joints and then you picked this one as your local joint. And then you hung around enough because you liked it there that after awhile they knew your name. And you knew theirs. 

You earned your place at your local Cheers bar.

At Starbucks, all you earn are points, which are designed to work like heroin to keep you coming back; not because you necessarily like Starbucks as your local joint but because instead of being loyal to your family at a local joint you are loyal to your points.

You got that, Edward?

One other thing, Edward:

How about ordering your coffee like you’re ordering a drink at a bar?

Cap it off at three words or ingredients:


Coffee with milk or coffee with sugar.

Coffee with milk and sugar.

That’s kind of like “beer” or “a martini” or “gin & tonic.”

In other words, Edward, do not ever come into our Cheers bar and try ordering a frilly drink like the frilly coffee you like to order at Starbucks, because the Internet not only told us your name, it also told us where you live.