When Is It Appropriate to Spank a Child?
By Guy Shepherd
PlannedMan

A smack on the ass certainly hurts less than getting hit by a car.

When Is It Appropriate to Spank a Child?
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Highlights


How to access Earthly risk?

Divide your life into quarters: Grass, Sidewalk, Curb and Street

Curbs are to be taken very seriously. You step on and off a curb at your own peril.

Did you ever see a dead squirrel? Yes? Don’t be a suicidal squirrel.

Once upon time—more-than-enough-statute-of-limitations moons have passed—I was walking three kids on a New York street. What do they call it in sports? When your man is going uncovered?

“Nanu, as you go from grass to street, you get closer to getting yourself into trouble and pain.”

I only have two arms and three kids, who were zigzagging from side to side. It was a like life-and-death Super Mario Bros. On that day, this little kid, Nanu—a squirrel of a four-year-old—broke left, twisted his right leg on the curb, went head first onto the street and into on-coming traffic.

With ninja speed, I grabbed the knucklehead by the arm pit—his legs high above ground. Nanu was welcomed with a smack on the ass, before his feet even touched Earth—his eyes bulging at the sockets. He saw, staring him in the face, the furious, red eyes of what he then started to call thereafter the “Cha-Cha Guy.”

Not only did he get a smack on the ass, I taught that hellion how to assess Earthly risk.

I was teaching him a lesson—also practicing my defense for when the little narc snitched to his mother. She would not be amused. “Nanu, here is the deal. Here is how you stay alive when I am not around:”

Divide your street life into four parts:

Grass Sidewalk
Curb Street

 

Here’s the breakdown:

  1. On the grass, run around like a crazy man; you ought not get hurt there.
  2. When you find yourself on the sidewalk, stay away from the side that’s closer to the grass. You need to get your concrete legs. It’s always better to fall close to grass. So walk in the middle, until you get stronger legs.
  3. If you move toward the curb, Nanu, you are on my radar. Why? Because curbs are to be taken very seriously. You step on and off a curb at your own peril. The world of life and death is on other side of the curb. Did you ever see a dead squirrel, Nanu? Yes? Don’t be a suicidal squirrel.
  4. And if you leave the curb for the street and are fortunate enough to have a fake uncle or friend there to give you a loving smack, count yourself lucky.

The closing defense to my solidly argued case: a smack on the ass certainly hurts less than getting hit by a car.

And 15 years later, at a fake, family reunion—Nanu was in college—I asked him how his life was progressing.

“Cha Cha Guy, I’m on the sidewalk, steering clear of the curb.”

If you like it, use it. If not, I hope you don’t lose the kid to the traffic monsters.

Guy

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