Guy’s Guide to Staying Out of HR
On behalf of Planned Men everywhere, please observe these rules of behavior at all times. Tweet
Do not whistle, shout or make animal noises at females in public, unless you’re talking to a female named Lassie.
You should offer to open doors for women.
You should never publicly answer any public rebuke—however false or foolish—made by a female companion.
Walking into an office is analogous to any other security check, in today’s highly litigious environment—no jokes, no threats, no assumptions, other than to see yourself as you are seen: a perp shopping for a crime. On behalf of Planned Men everywhere, please observe the following rules of behavior at all times:
- Do not whistle, shout or make animal noises at females in public, unless you’re talking to a female named Lassie.
- If you are over the age of 40—or you’re a male of any age in the workforce—do not make suggestive remarks or double entendres as part of a flirtation ritual with the opposite sex.
- Do not make rude or suggestive comments to any females with whom you have a less-than-commercial acquaintance.
- Never touch a female co-worker in any way differently from the way you would touch a gay male.
You will be the first to know when a woman wishes you to violate these rules. She will make her wishes known to you in ways even you will understand. Until then, assume every woman—along with all civilized men—will find the violation of these rules grotesquely offensive.
That takes care of some basics—stuff that will take you out of the world of kennels. But there’s more. For those who want to be planful and civilized, there are:
Traditional tasks Planned Men are expected to perform, as a part of everyday life:
- You should offer to open doors for women.
- You should offer a woman your seat if she otherwise must stand.
- You should stand when a woman approaches the table at dinner or supper, when she approaches a group of seated gentlemen of which you are a member, upon being introduced to a woman at any time, and/or when a woman takes leave of a group of companions.
- You should remain standing until all women at the table have been seated.
- You should never publicly answer any public rebuke—however false or foolish—made by a female companion.
Notice the optional aspect of all these. You may safely assume she will never have witnessed these gestures, unless she grew up with footmen and/or maids. It’s the challenge of being a civilized man in uncivilized times. You should know the rules, even if she demonstrates no, apparent knowledge of them.
These small gestures should never appear ostentatious and do not really merit much discussion. (They should in fact be dismissed, if remarked upon in public.)
The world is a charmless, ill-mannered place. Courtesy and etiquette may fall in and out of fashion for some, but they always fit the Planned Man like a glove.
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