The All-New “Seven Deadly Sins” for Today
Yes, pride, greed, lust, envy, sloth, gluttony, and wrath sound, well, if not bad, at least entertaining. But the "new" sins of men today also need to be called out. Tweet
The deadly sins are an inventory of attractive stupid stuff.
You think they're irresistible until you commit one, or two, or a lifetime's worth. Then you're done, dead and dumb.
So little time, so many sins.
You got your venial sins, which are just sorta bad. Then you have your mortal sins, the real baddies that put your soul in jeopardy (or make it worth more to the highest bidder, if that’s your thing). Then you have your “capital” or “cardinal” sins, aka the deadly sins: Pride, lust, greed, sloth, envy, gluttony, and wrath.
The deadlies were first made official in the 6th century and then given a refresh by St. Thomas Aquinas in the 13th century:
Which is all well and good but consider that fact in the light of a much more modern theory that goes something like this:
If you see a public sign that says don’t do something, that means people did that something often enough to warrant a sign. And probably as recently as yesterday.
So if they had to write down the deadly sins twice, well … what fun they must have had back then, eh?
Oh and did you know there are seven virtues, too? Humility, charity, chastity, gratitude, temperance, patience, and diligence. Just, you know, FYI.
The seven deadly sins are so deadly, cardinal, and capital because they usually beget further sins, particularly the mortal kind. Lust can lead to adultery, for example. Envy or pride to murder. So they’re the slippery slope, so to speak.
But let’s be honest. As bad as they can be, times can change. Especially for men. So we’ve come up with a refresher list of the real deadly sins. Tread carefully, especially if you see yourself in this list.
Chumpitude. Gambling isn’t a sin in most men’s minds, but if you get pissed at the poker table, throw your putter when you halve the hole, or give a blackjack dealer even the slightest hint of a dirty look, or attack or harass flight attendants, you’re a chump. And that’s a deadly sin of attitude, brother.
Brandishment. Most men have a real problem with that fine line between confident and cocky, especially when it comes to public displays. For some, it’s debilitating and ultimately humiliating … and those sad guys still think they’re cool. If you need to brandish things in public, be they 4WD trucks with tires as tall as a house or your gym-honed biceps or whatever that is down your way-too-tight pants, you’re sinning against your own self-worth. The world sees male brandishing for what it is and does not reward it.
Merde. You know the t-shirt: “Your favorite (band/movie/video game) sucks.” Understand something: Our personal pop culture loves are intense, individual, and most important – and you really need to get this into your brain – sacred. And this sin pushes past those boundaries into any subject. If you can’t enter into a conversation without taking a dump on something in the first 60 seconds, you committed merde (from the French), the sin of giving yourself a second anus. Only those who are full of shit need a second anus.
Escalatordom. Maybe you see your buddy in a high-temperature bar debate. Maybe you see a girl you know not digging the guy who’s talking in her ear. Maybe your mom’s neighbor is a bully about the property line. You can certainly be the kind of guy who seems to need to alway intercede on everyone’s behalf, if you feel the need to play it that way. But if your intercession is more about you than the person you perceive to be in distress, then 9 times out of 10 you aren’t helping anyone but yourself.
Autoerotica. It usually starts at a red light. It involves prickish looks and engine noises. It ends not badly, not tragically, but pointlessly and stupidly. If you love your car/truck/bike, take pride in it, enjoy being its pilot … and let it end there. If you’ve rigged it for maximum noise? You’re taking joy in annoying people and that’s a deadly sin. If you insist on burning through 30 sets of tires in 600 clouds of vulcanized smoke per year when you have neighbors on either side of the street, you are that guy. Just … drive, dude. Driving is awesome.
Vampiranoma. This sin is most often committed in the workplace by someone who either has ambition and has not yet risen, or someone who has used his ambition and reached a level of managing others. In short, they’re bloodsuckers who give the team cancer. These men spend well on clothing and present as competent and professional. Some may be charming. But in practice, day in and out, they siphon off the ideas and creativity of their coworkers or subordinates, use it for their own gain, and leave the team with such a case of the venoms that the truly talented ones leave for brighter places. (Unless you are lucky enough to work with someone like Dawn.)
Rebellionitis. Honorable: The calling out of true bullshit when you smell it. Dishonorable: Seeing nothing but bullshit. James Dean was the Rebel Without a Cause and everyone thought that was the coolest thing. Meaning they missed the point of the story. Some things are worth challenging, but not all things. Some things are worth rebelling against, but not all things. If you find yourself saying some form of “f—k them” several times a week or, hell, several times a month, the world isn’t the one with the problem. A good man stands tall and resists when needed but also realizes that life is really about finding a flow you can go with. It’s uncool to die for cool.
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