10 Ways to Move Out of Frat Life
By The Editors

College was fun. We get it. But you’re an adult now and your place of residence needs to mature with you. Here are some simple upgrades to help you upperclass the joint.

10 Ways to Move Out of Frat Life


Put away childish things, including flip-flops and all the sub-sofa laundry.

School's out forever. Time to just grow up and bro-out.

When it comes to life in a frat house, I have some expertise:

I lived in or around a fraternity house for three and half of my four years in college. I was president for one of those years and the fraternity was on probation for nine of those 12 months. I now have a lot of years between myself and that place.

So first things first:

If you’re recently out on your own now and thinking it would be really cool to make your current home look a lot like your old frat house, just know that even if you don’t move on, the world will move on with or without you.

Where you live — and how you live — tells other people a lot about you.

Or to say it another way:

Where you live — and how you live — tells other people a lot about you.

So if you want to be seen as repressed and immature, go for it.

But in case you want to make an effort (but not too much of an effort) to leave your frat-house days behind you, here are some tips on how to get started:

  1. Don’t prolong the pain. You can get rid of your old frat-house crap fast, and make it hurt once — or you can do it slow and make it hurt for months. We vote for over and done (and if you can get the Dean of your school to pay for it, even better):

2. Get rid of all the really cool stolen road signs you used to hang on the walls. And anything else you love largely because the story behind it involves a minor crime.

3. Put a couple of your favorite posters under glass, if you must. If posters for Reservoir Dogs and Caddyshack suddenly become art, and maybe even ironic, you’re lucky. 

4. Add some books. They’re like visual Muzak. They really do class up a joint, especially if you’ve actually read some of them. And even if you haven’t, Books by the Foot is here to help:

5. Next, buy some plants. Offer yourself the following challenge: If you keep three plants alive for six months you can then consider adopting something with a heartbeat. Starting with fish might be smart, and then perhaps graduating over time to something like a dog. Avoid livestock. 

6. Keep your pot-smoking hardware in a cabinet when not in use. That goes for empty beer cans and bottles, too. A clean coffee tabletop has class. 

7. Maintain orderly garbage and recycling cans. In case you’re having trouble understanding that one, it’s code for “Take out the trash regularly. Otherwise mice, flies and roaches will take over the place.”

8. Keep your bathroom clean. Now this is critical, and I mean critical, if you plan on entertaining women. Clean it at least once a week, keep it stocked with toilet paper and an uncrumpled box of tissues, and make sure no surface is ever sticky. It’s not that hard.

P.S. When it comes to the toilet paper, no funny stuff. Just toilet paper. Lots of it. The same goes for tissue.

9.   No beer pong table. Maybe you can get away with one in your basement, but never in a main floor or upstairs room. It’s time for a dart board or an over-priced chess set.

10. Beds have bed frames and box springs. The second you bring someone into your bedroom and they see a mattress on the floor, they know.