My manager “J” and I recently sound-checked songs over a cigar and scotch.  I played forward Kid Rock’s new single “Don’t Tell Me How to Live.” And he replied with Old Dominion’s “All I Know About Girls.”

I gave him an adrenalin shot of a song and he gave me a smooth narcotic for doing time with the opposite sex with a smile.   “All I Know about Girls” is a lyrical masterpiece and a great read.  (Lyrics below.)

I must admit, I didn’t like its message and I still don’t.  Here is the narcotic push and promise of earthly happiness:

All I know about girls is

The wide world ain’t gonna spin without ’em

But it’ll spin around ’em

All I know about girls is

You best get outta their way, and

Shut your damn mouth if she got something to say

It’s like, yeah baby, no baby, whatever you want baby

Whatever it is is my fault

AlI know about girls is

All I know about girls is

I don’t know nothing at all

Men now have a song—it’s official.

The Chapelle Show co-creator Neal Brennan has a must-watch Netflix special called Three Mics.  I bring it up not only because it is worth watching, but because it shows the value of comedic insight in making sense of nonsense.  Brennan helped me work through my cognitive dissonance with this song.  His observation:  If a group finds itself on the wrong, unjust side of a trend line, music makes life more bearable. And the existence of the song is evidence of an historical injustice.  As is the reverse.  If a group lacks a song, it lacks a wrong.  

Men now have a song—it’s official.  When things get bad—or to keep things from going bad—men now have song to sing to get through it.

A couple of observations before you shoot this stuff.

It’s the fullest embrace of surrender spirit and it makes a good case for it.

It’s probably the reason Hemingway drank

Or all the Lovesick Blues that were written by Hank

They all got stuck right where I am

Just like every other man

I tested the song on Mrs. Shepherd and asked what she thought of it.  She said, “It’s nice.”

Nice? Am I the only one who is hearing what is being said loudly between the lines in the lyrics? That women can’t be reasoned with and trying to do so will drive you to drink and French kiss a shotgun barrel, like Hemingway?

Congratulations, Old Dominion,  you have done it.  You have figured out how to clearly express the sad truth of blind development in a way that satisfies everybody. You have recognized the inexorable—the not-to-be-reasoned-with matriarchal arc of human history—and at the same time, you’ve given men a whatever-you-want-baby song with which to live through it all. Plus, it is pleasing to the ears of our masters.

music

All I Know About Girls

Buy it on:

Buy it

“All I know about Girls” is a matriarchal melody for mushroom management.   Next time, when I’m knee-deep in an “All I Know About Girls” moment,  I’m going break out into song and sees if it sets this Guy free: 

You best get outta their way, and

Shut your damn mouth if she got something to say

It’s like, yeah baby, no baby, whatever you want baby

Whatever it is, is all my fault

All I Know About Girls

I’m a jack of all trades and a master of none

A Renaissance man if there’s ever been one

Got a pretty good handle on a lot of things

But I ain’t figured out everything

‘Cause all I know about girls is

The wide world ain’t gonna spin without ’em

But it’ll spin around ’em

All I know about girls is

You best get outta their way

Shut your damn mouth if she got something to say

It’s like, yeah baby, no baby, whatever you want baby

Whatever it is, is my fault

All I know about girls is

All I know about girls is

I don’t know nothing at all

It’s probably the reason Hemingway drank

Or all the Lovesick Blues that were written by Hank

They all got stuck right where I am

Just like every other man

All I know about girls is

The wide world ain’t gonna spin without ’em

But it’ll spin around ’em

All I know about girls is

You best get outta their way, and

Shut your damn mouth if she got something to say

It’s like, yeah baby, no baby, whatever you want baby

Whatever it is, is my fault

AlI know about girls is

All I know about girls is

I don’t know nothing at all

Yeah, I’m a jack of all trades and a master of none

But they sure make learning fun

All I know about girls is

The wide world ain’t gonna spin without ’em

But it’ll spin around ’em

All I know about girls is

You best get outta their way, and

Shut your damn mouth if she got something to say

You be like, yeah baby, no baby, whatever you want baby

Whatever it is, is my fault

All I know about girls is

All I know about girls is

I don’t know nothing at all

All I know about girls is

I don’t know nothing at all

I don’t know nothing at all